Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Well, fuck.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Onward Christian Soldiers

Many of you are asking if I was truly unaware of my Jewish heritage until the other day. Let me assure you that yes, of course, my statement is true. I had absolutely no inkling of a whisp of an idea.

Now, I first heard an accusation that I had Jewish blood well over a decade ago. And it came up periodically over the years. But I naturally assumed it was just people casting aspersions. You never think something like that could actually be true. You never think something like this can happen to you.

Now it has. (And apparently there's no mistake here, because we've looked into every possible angle.) So I am proudly standing up to embrace my heritage and the fact that, according to the Torah, I was born a Jew... with... Jewish blood flowing through my... own veins.

Thanks for standing by me during this difficult and trying time. We must all try to remember that Jesus himself was a Jew. And Jews are known as "God's chosen people." Perhaps this is God's way of telling Virginians to choose George Felix Allen for Senate. God works in mysterious ways.

Whatever the case, you should all know that I still intend to represent you as a loyal Christian Republican.

Your Son of the South,

Fightin' Felix

Monday, September 18, 2006

Two VERY Successful Debates

My fellow Virginians,

I was at the top of my game today. If you missed the first debate, the Washington Post covered the story more or less fairly for once: I educated Tim Russert on staying the course in Iraq; I explained how, when it comes to fighting terrorism, it is always better to do something than not to do it; and I compared Jim Webb to the French. Most importantly, I put to rest, once and for all, the Macaca incident:



My fellow Virginians, if you don't believe me when I say that Macaca was a completely random word that I made up, let's do a simple test: I want you to clear your mind, open up your mouth, and say the first random nonsense syllables that come into your head. Do it right now.

Now, I'm sure that most of you produced nonsense words--but I suspect that a significant number of you may have produced syllables such as "dar-kee," or "nee-guhr," or possibly "rag-hed." These "slurs" (which I've never heard before and had to research just now on the internet) are bound to innocently and suddenly pop out occasionally. I am being excoriated for something that is completely understandable and excusable.

What's inexcusable is to cast aspersions on someone by exploring their Jewish heritage:

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Thursday, September 14, 2006

We Got One.

My fellow Virginians,

It's been quite a week, hasn't it? I've been on the go, but need to check in with heartfelt thanks to all of my supporters--and some honest to goodness, from-my-knees thanks to the extremely loyal, faithful, and articulate Benny Lambert!

As you might expect, the Re-Elect George Allen campaign has been working around the clock to secure an endorsement from a black politician in Virginia. Well, now we have one. Evidently a few folks can hardly believe it, but every other African American politician in Virginia questioning Benny's sanity won't make it any less true. Face it--we have our black guy. What can the radical leftists and liberal media say about me now?

George Allen is a "racist"? Why don't you try telling that to Mr. Benjamin Lambert.
George Allen is "insensitive to minorities"? Excuse me, we have a black guy here who would like to take issue with that.

Benny has chosen to endorse us because I came through with some funding for Virginia's Historically Black Colleges and Universities. Why did I do this? Because though they are separate, they must remain equal.

Now that I have proven myself a friend to minorities, we have begun to take the fight to my opponent. Some are already accusing my campaign of "going negative early"--but I ask you: Who led us down this path of negativity? It was the left, recording my remarks, amplifying them for all to hear, allowing Virginians to take offense at a multitude of misinterpretations. Shameless.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Pictures of Me and Ethnics

I want to make sure no one misses our newest photo gallery:


Click the picture above to find an enormous number of pictures of me and all sorts of ethnics. Every major group of ethnics is represented. You can check. The two pictured with me above are Indians--Indians who clearly do not hold a grudge against me.

I also learned how to say "Good Morning" and "Thank you" in several foreign tongues, which was a very diversifying and mind-opening experience. I am not saying that I had any problems or "hang-ups" with race or ethnic issues before today, but if I did, they would all be gone now.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Reagan Candidate

I want to address two questions raised by a number of confused Virginians, who have no doubt been misled by our liberal media. The first:

"Why is it wrong for Jim Webb to use Ronald Reagan's words in a campaign commercial, but okay for you to use Ronald Reagan's picture on your campaign Web site?"
Answer: Because if Ronald Reagan were alive today, he would endorse George Felix Allen for Senate. Like me, Reagan was a patriot who knew what it took to be a real American. Both rugged horsemen, we shared a love of freedom, faith, and football. I will proudly carry on the Reagan legacy as conferred to me in the handshake above.

"What did Mrs. Reagan mean when she said Webb's use of the Reagan footage was "very negative"? Her letter almost reads like she's never even seen the commercial!"
To suggest that I would make political hay from a form letter denouncing an ad that Mrs. Reagan herself had not seen, is outrageous. In order to clear up this controversy, Nancy telephoned me last night and asked me to release this statement on her behalf:
I, Nancy Reagan, deplore Jim Webb's ad and approve of everything on George Allen's campaign Web site. I consider George Allen to be "the Reagan Candidate" and do not mind his sudden opposition to federal funding for stem cell research.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Hunter Pickels: A Real American


Hunter Pickels,
American Campaign Volunteer

My fellow Virginians,

Just checking in to say that Hunter Pickels, the young man who tracks Jim Webb for me, is innocent of the scurrilous charges against him.

It is true that Webb advisor Dave "Mudcat" Saunders clearly, calmly, and repeatedly informed my tracker (the red-blooded all-American boy pictured above) that the event was taking place on private property, that the owner didn't want him to enter, and that the police would be called if he did. But Hunter simply assumed that Saunders was lying. It was an assumption made in good faith.

I will not stand by and allow my tracker to be insulted, denigrated or demeaned simply because he failed to "obey" the "law."

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Introducing Acacam!

Actually, my fellow Virginians, that's just what I call him. The man's name is Jon Henke. We cast our net far and wide for an experienced, professional, expert blog consultant and we got the real deal. Acacam's going to help me deliver my message of Jeffersonian Principles to Real Virginians who use the internet.

He already blogged this about me:

"George Allen has gotten a raw deal from the press and Democrats on some issues and innuendos."
That is excellent blogging--it resonates with me, and I think it will resonate with others as well. Having my own blogger may already be paying off: for example, Right Wing Nation says "George Allen Is The Man." (They agree with me that, given everything we know, the only coversation we need to have with Iran is one that starts us saying "Launch missiles" and ends with a big explosion somewhere in Iran. I don't know why the President lets Condi run her mouth off so much.)

Incidentally, Right Wing Nation thinks the "only bad thing [I've] done was apologize to the idiots about that Macaca remark." They may have a point.

But what's done is done. At the campaign to Re-Elect George Allen, we are ready to look forward. Now that Acacam has my back I may be posting a little less, but I'll still try to check in with you frequently.

Your Bruiser in the Blogosphere,

Fightin' Felix

Friday, September 01, 2006

Message for the Media

I don't know what else to say. The media keeps hounding me, even though the people we meet on the campaign trail don't actually care if you call someone a macaca. I've already made several apologies, but I now offer one last heartfelt apology to the press. Click as often as you need. I hope this provides the closure you seek.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Should I Run for President?

I guess the cat's out of the bag:
“The No.1 debate in the Allen campaign these days is whether George should announce that if re-elected to the Senate this year, he will forgo a run for President in ’08.” ...[T]he faction in the Allen camp wanting him to take this course “is led by [Washington attorney and longtime Allen confidant] Frank Atkinson and the faction that wants him to keep alive a bid for President is headed by [wife] Susan Allen.”
That's right, folks. Frank thinks I shouldn't run. But Susan and I just can't believe this "racist" label will actually stick. I've been saying the same sort of things for years--why am I so controversial now?

As many of you know, I find life in the Senate to be quite tiresome... I have always felt it was my destiny to someday lead the South and North as President of the United States... but now I don't know what to do. My fellow Virginians, I need your advice.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Family Values

My fellow Virginians,

I can't say enough good things about Rudy Giuliani. He's a 2008 rival, but he knows I have to keep paying the bills back home while campaigning to be President of the South and North, so he helps me fundraise to hang on to my Senate seat. That's the kind of guy he is.

Rudy and I have so much in common. We both stand for moral, conservative, traditional values; we both believe in honesty, decency, and family; and we're both great story tellers! See me laughing in that picture? His ex-wife stories are hilarious! They top mine any day! (But I'm at a disadvantage since he's had one more wife than I have, and I can't tell some of my best ones since the divorce records are sealed.)

Thank goodness for my dear, current wife Susan and everything she does for the campaign. She is truly first lady material. Am I right? A real team player, my Susan. If you would like to book some time with her, click here.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I don't know these men.


I mean, the one on the other end looks kind of familiar, but... I think it could be a photoshop hoax of some kind. Certainly, I would never dream of associating with segregationists. This picture/story are definitely OVERBLOWN and... and it's possible I was drugged by liberal operatives on the day in question. Or I had no idea who they were, or that they do what they do. That one guy kind of looks like Santa Claus, right? Maybe it was a Christmas party. There are several possibilities. Please bear with us, because this story has only just come to our attention. By tomorrow we will have an assortment of innocent explanations available for your selection.

UPDATE: Good point from the comments: 1996 was a lifetime ago. We welcome all innocent-explanation suggestions you may have.

I ♥ PEOPLE OF COLOR

Some are now saying that I'm part of a wider trend among Republicans who are "out of touch with the changing face of the nation." My fellow Virginians, this is yet another lie that we must nip in the bud. I have supported people of color my entire life:

  • In my youth my father coached football, a sport at which many colored people excel--and no one cheered their efforts louder than me.
  • In high school and college, I'd often compliment them for being studious, articulate, and friendly. And when they'd notice me (I was somewhat of a big man on campus) they'd always smile and shake their heads as if to say, "That George Allen, isn't he something!"
  • Early in my legislative career, I voted against the Martin Luther King holiday, for the obvious reason. (Why single out one man for recognition when so many are deserving?)
  • As Governor, I showed uncommon sensitivity by allowing slavery to go unmentioned in a proclamation to make April Confederate History and Heritage Month. (That's not an easy thing to do--but I did it.)
  • In the Senate, I have voted to cut funding from programs serving disadvantaged populations, because I know that no government program is a substitute for old-fashioned, American, Pull-Yourself-Up-By-Your-Bootstraps, gumption. I will never, ever insult any American child--black, white, red, yellow, brown, or light-brown--by voting to increase nutrition, child care or health care funding.

My fellow Virginians, I think you'll agree that my record speaks for itself. If you send me back to Washington, I promise to keep up the good work for minorities of all colors.

NOTE: The term "minorities" does not include homosexuals. Unlike the color of one's skin, which I know y'all can't do anything about, homosexuality is a choice made by sexual deviants. Virginians of all colors should know that I will not let the gays force their radical gay agenda on helpless children.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Fighting the Lies

My fellow Virginians,

The George Allen Campaign has learned its lesson. From now on, we respond immediately to scurrilous charges--before they become national news, and before the media can fan the feeding-frenzied flames. For the record:

1) Do not trust the Zogby/Wall Street Journal poll showing me trailing in this Senate race. This is an attempt to "change the conventional wisdom." These results to not reflect the attitudes of real Virginians. With the publication of these poll results, the WSJ has, regretably, succumbed to the rampant liberal bias that exists in the media today.

2) This poster is defamatory and I have my lawyers investigating. The noose in question hung in my office for decorative purposes only. It was not a "statement." Attempts to place any significance on this decorating choice are laughable. This is a non-issue. (I have countless friends who decorate with nooses as well.)

3) My mother is not Jewish. I have made this clear to journalists in the past. This is the second time the media has brought my mother into this story, and I will no longer tolerate these familial character assasinations.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

[Q:] "How Do You Keep Your Cool?"

Dear Senator, We do not blame you in the slightest for cancelling your stop yesterday. We heard what happened at the Holiday Inn. If they are going to speak to you that way you should not give them the opportunety. We are behind you 110 percent! How do you keep your cool when liberals instigate you like that? You do a better job than I would! - Rebecca in Staunton
PS. My daughter thinks you should quit chewing and said to show you
this picture.
Rebecca, thank you for your question and your support. The media feeding-frenzy has indeed been hard to accept. It boggles the mind when they keep making mountains from one small molehill--even after my heart-felt apology. But to answer your question, knowing how to remain calm just comes with the territory. A U.S. Senator conducts himself properly in all situations.

Tell your daughter thanks for the advice, but what some call an "addiction," I call tradition--a way of life. It's why I opposed those frivolous lawsuits against tobacco companies: Real Virginians believe in things like freedom, independence, and sovereign rights. Virginia's glorious history is one of rugged, against-the-grain, individualists--and some of us are still riding for that cause. The wad between my cheek and gum represents liberty. The spit soaring from my mouth symbolizes traditional Virginian values. I'll keep living these Jeffersonian Principles daily, as an example to every Virginian and American, young and old--mouth cancer be damned.

If you have a question for "Fightin Felix," send it to georgefelixallen@gmail.com.

Listening Tour Rolls On!

Come be charmed! The 2006 Listening Tour is a chance for Virginians of all colors, races, tribes, bloodlines, heritages, and colors to listen to Sen. George Allen.

*
Events may be cancelled without warning if there are protestors in the vicinity. Attendees consent to be photographed for publication.

EVENT HIGHLIGHT: Tuesday, Aug. 29:
Norfolk Tides Game and First Pitch

BUY TICKETS HERE!

Come on out to the ball game, baseball fans, and really let George Felix Allen know you're there!

Tuesday, August 29th
6:30 – 9:00pm
Norfolk Tides Game and First Pitch
Harbor Park
150 Park Avenue
Norfolk, Virginia
Open to the Media

Friday, August 25, 2006

listening tour update

MFV, On way to Front Royal--using Blackberry. [Love technolgy!] How about Chris Shays news?? Wld be a TREMENDOUS victory for terrorists. His proposal is unAmerican--timetables NOT part of "We win, you lose" strat. (Coudl he be light in loafers? Never woulda thought.) Cranky right now, leant out Copenhagen last stop, never came back. always happens. Some luckyfan goes home with Senator's chaw. Told Dick always always alwyas ALWAYS carry back up. oh well next time. listening tour rolls on! (bloggin gis addictive!)

We Are All Macacans Now

My fellow Virginians,

In today's Post (which most real Virginians choose not to read), you'll see that SR Sidarth is now using his new-found fame to further his career. "I am Macaca," the Indian boy jokingly writes to a professor, banking on the fact that the special recognition he received from me will translate into academic opportunity.

Was Sidarth ever truly offended that I called him Macaca? Or was he playing a partisan political game along with the rest of his leftist allies? More importantly, will Democrats ever apologize for the media feeding-frenzy they helped create? We may never get satisfactory answers.

But it's clear that Sidarth is ready to look back, laugh, and move on from the baseless accusations he made against me--and I suggest that we do the same. In laughter, there is healing. Following SR Sidarth's example, and inspired by a recent applicant for our blogger position, I think the time may be right for me to reveal my dark, long-held secret:

I, too, am Macaca.

I think there's a little Macaca in all of us. (Though some have more than others, obviously.)

Thursday, August 24, 2006

My Two-Point Plan for Iraq

Fellow Virginians,

As I give speech after speech on my Listening Tour of non-beltway encircled Virginia, I'm told that many of you are worried about Iraq. I understand your concerns and I always include my strategy for Iraq at some point in every speech. For those of you who haven't heard it, here it is:

"We win, you lose."

It sounds simple, but I'm not kidding. Do we want to win? Yes. Are we trying to win? Yes. So should we keep doing what we're doing? Of course. It isn't complicated; in fact, the simple brilliance of the plan clears up some questions that some folks seem to find a little confusing.

Like, "Should we bring the troops home?" Well, that's not staying the course. What happens if we don't stay the course? We lose. So should we stay the course? Yes.

Trust me: Johnny would rather come riding home in a box than come marching home a loser.

Now, you're bound to hear Democrats throwing around their typical nonsense like "A Five Point Plan for a Decentralized Unified Iraq" and "Reclaiming the Moral High Ground by Declaring No Intent for Long-Term Occupation." But let me ask y'all something: Wouldn't it feel better to crumple up all those plans, put the pedal to the metal, run it up the gut, give 110%, and just flat-out win? Help me help George Bush stay the course. Give me your vote this November.

Your Winner in Washington,

Fightin' Felix

[STATEMENT 8/24/06] Still No Apology from Sidarth


No apology from Sidarth

(Fairfax, VA) Yesterday I again offered SR Sidarth my heart-felt statement of regret regarding any offense taken at misinterpretations of my words. I took full responsibility for having spoken the words.

But my heart-felt apology should not overshadow the truth: This "story" has been a feeding-frenzy over a non-incident that never warranted coverage. Leftists have literally placed words into my mouth by attributing meanings and motives that can't be proven true.

A full twelve days after the incident, Sidarth has still expressed no regret for his role in launching a thousand scurrilous attacks from his leftist allies, with his surreptitious film-making, and comment-provoking demeanor.

At yesterday's fundraiser Noam Atkins
noted that my words "weren't intended to be negative" and were "to someone from the Democratic Party who was... making trouble." That is an accurate assessment. The words directed at me, on the other hand, were intended to be negative. Will the Democratic trouble-makers express remorse?

It pains me to have caused another human being any suffering, and it is my sincere hope that all those of Indian descent--indeed, any non-white person--that took offense will accept my heart-felt words of regret.

I now await a similarly heart-felt apology.

-Sen. George Felix Allen

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

My final apology

My fellow Virginians,

A few hours ago I called SR Sidarth to make a final heart-felt apology. The call got off to an awkward start. I attempted to break the ice with my "really stepped in Macaca" line--but he did not laugh. And I may have mispronounced his name. (I said "Sir Sidarth," which I believe to be correct. That is how Dick has been pronouncing it--but, come to think of it, he often snickers afterwards so that could be another nickname.) Whatever the case, it is done. I am off to the fundraiser now. That was my final apology.

Feel free to show up at the fundraiser (it is OUTSIDE the beltway!) and rally in support of George and George:
Ground zero is the intersection of Mt. Vernon Memorial Hwy. and Ferry Landing Road. Parking is available at Grist Mill Park which is 200 feet from this intersection. Grist Mill Park is halfway between Mt. Vernon Estate and Woodlawn Plantation.We need as many folks as possible to show up at 3:45 pm. I am anticipating the President's arrival somewhere between 4:45 and 5:30pm. If you have Bush or Allen yardsigns please bring them.
Estates! Plantations! Ahhhh....I love Virginia so.

A Good Idea from Hollywood?

My fellow Virginians,

Have you heard about the next season of Survivor? I generally avoid reality shows, but this sounds like a pretty neat idea.

Just Two Cowboys Named George


We love freedom.


Me and George tellin Maliki
about stayin' the course
in Iraq.

My fellow Virginians,

The liberal media is doing its level best to drive a wedge between the Georges. Guess what, folks? Ain't gonna happen.

Friends, I don't have to tell you that your president is a good man. He loves freedom, and the freeing sense of untetheredness that freedom brings. And that includes the freedom to open up your mouth without a passel of whiny liberals jumping down your throat.

They want President Bush to condemn my comments? Newsflash: This president won't be handled--he does the handling. No one's gonna decide for him--he does the deciding.

We've been through a lot together, you know--heck, we rode together in the NGA from '94 to '98. He knows darn well what it's like to be misinterpreted. He knows I've been the victim of some pretty unfortunate, uncalled for, and frankly, downright vile and hate-filled comments. And now he's gonna stand by me, and stand up for what is right.

That's what cowboys do, you know.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Ignore the Polls

My fellow Virginians,

If you've seen the results of this "Survey USA" poll, rest assured, that's just your liberal media reporting liberal numbers from liberal pollsters. We take polls in the real USA, and trust me--the results look a lot different.

Yes, the media and the "YouTube" do have some good Virginians a little confused right now. But this too shall pass. National attention will soon focus elsewhere and then we Virginians can get back to normal.

(In fact, take a look at the other question they asked in that poll. That, my friends, is the Virginia I know.)

I'm grateful to my advisors for encouraging me to address recent issues personally, because I am truly enjoying this "blogging" experience. I've received an enormous number of emails from real Virginians. I'm sorry I don't have time to respond to all of you, but I'll try to keep you updated here.

Big day tomorrow: Fundraiser at Ed Gillespie's house in Fairfax. (Not sure exactly where Ed lives. I hope it's in Outside-the-beltway Fairfax, but whatever the case, I know Ed's heart lives in the real Virginia.)

I've read and seen reports in some media outlets that President Bush would back out of this fundraiser. There reports were not true. I knew he wouldn't care. He always enjoys a good nickname.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Statement on Cameo Role as Confederate Officer

I am concerned that my decision to don the Confederate uniform in a Hollywood movie has been misunderstood by members of the media.

Most importantly, the voters of Virginia need to know that I did not speak to a single Hollywood Mogul and/or Bigshot Hollywood Producer during, or leading up to, the filming of "Gods and Generals." (You know how I feel about them.)

I acted in the movie because the Confederacy's role during the War of Northern Aggression will always be part of the proud legacy of Virginia. (I encourage those of you who may never visit Virginia to view the tape and witness the real world of Virginia and America, outside the Beltway, as it once appeared.)

I will not apologize for my decision to don the uniform. However, if you were offended by the misinterpretation of my decision, then I do apologize on behalf of the misinterpreters. My involvement was not intended to be offensive. I would still like to be President of the entire Union, and any insinuations to the contrary are completely false.

-Sen. George Felix Allen

Sunday, August 20, 2006

In happier times

This has been a rough week, but I just saw something on the Tennessee Guerilla Women's blog that cheered me up.



What an incredible experience. I can still remember how it felt to wear the uniform in those extremely vivid surroundings. "Hurrah! Hurrah! For Southern rights, hurrah!" I swear, we must have had to do a hundred takes of that scene, with that song on repeat the whole time--but I never grew tired of it. I think I was just born too late, that's all there is to it. Click here to watch.

Send us your pictures!

My fellow Virginians,

The Re-Elect George Allen campaign staff is beefing up our Web site photo archive. They want to present me as the diversity champion that I am. Here's how you can help:

If you are an Indian (any kind of Indian) and you've had your picture taken with me, please send it to the campaign. Non-Indians can help by finding pictures of me standing near an Indian (or, frankly, any person that might make someone, for whatever innocent subconscious reason, say "Macaca").

Send photos to georgefelixallen@gmail.com. Thank you! Onward and upward,

Fightin' Felix

Saturday, August 19, 2006

An American Hero



My fellow Virginians,

I continue to get a steady stream of Macaca-related emails. You should know that I'm searching my mind and soul to explain how my mouth said those syllables, at that moment, to that Indian boy. There is something else I'd like you to consider.

In the United States of America, monkeys have come to be known for their curiosity; inquisitiveness; persistance; daring; companionship; loyalty; and agility. These traits are admirable in any American--but they are vital to a good cameraman. I don't know about Europe or the Dark Continent, but in the good ol' USA, singling out a cameraman for his monkey-like traits ought to be considered high-praise.

No one, including me, will ever know for sure if my words were monkey-inspired--but if they were, perhaps SR should really say "Thank you," and we could just leave it at that.

In any case, I hope y'all will give some thought to our national hero, the American Simian. Think about that--and review the other reasonable explanations we've provided--and hopefully it will mend this rift that your misinterpretation has created.

Updated List of Reasonable Explanations (please choose one or more from this list):
1) Meant it as a compliment
2)
Macaca a Real Name
3) Just a Routine Cameraman Nickname Creation
4) Something to do with mohawk?
5) Mohawk + Caca = Macaca

I can take a joke

My fellow Virginians,

The explosion of criticism precipitated by my recent off-hand comment is indicative of an unfortunate trend: America is losing her ability to take a joke. Liberals have heightened our sensitivity and "political correctness" to the point that calling an Indian boy "Macaca" is suddenly a capital offense, even if the person who says it is just horsing around.

I can take a joke--and that's a good thing, because the pictures/cartoons you see here are but a small sample of what I've had to endure ever since many of you interpreted my humor so poorly.

To the voters of Virginia, I say this: Even if you are responsible for images like these, even if I have been the butt of your jokes, even if you've publicly labeled me a racist...

I'm willing to forgive you.

I realize that we are all guilty of misinterpretation now and then. In this case, many, many, many of you are guilty of it at the same time. But my heart is big enough to forgive you all.

I thank the Commonwealth for standing behind me during this difficult time. (Still ahead in the polls!) I want you to know I have learned something very important from all this. I've learned that a lot of Virginians still know Funny. Onward to victory in November.

Always defending America (including her right to laughter),

Fightin' Felix

Friday, August 18, 2006

His Name is Macaca



My fellow Virginians,

Someone has just e-mailed me something that will, I believe, go a long way towards vindicating me. As you can see above, Macaca is a legitimate name. Ask David, Joana, or either Veronica if they would take offense if someone said, "Hey, you, Macaca!" or "This job calls for a Macaca!" Of course they wouldn't.

I can't even say for sure that I haven't met one of these Macacas. That could be the reason the word slipped out of my mouth on that fateful day. I would ask any Virginians who might still be upset to consider that possibility, along with the other explanations we have provided.

My team has left messages with David Macaca, and the women Macacas as well -- hopefully we can set up an appearance with one of them. (If there are any other Macacas out there, please get in touch!)

Let's start a dialogue

My fellow Virginians,

I know I speak for the majority of you: I'm tired of the liberal media blowing recent events out of proportion. It's turning into a three-ring circus. I hope that by personally responding to questions from the unhinged minority that are up in arms, I can circumvent the media filter and help us come to a common understanding.

From: Wiley [redacted] - [redacted]@msn.com
Date: Aug 17, 2006 5:45 PM
Subject: [no subject]
To: georgefelixallen@gmail.com

George,
your mother is French, from Tunesia. In that area of North Africa, a slur on people of color is to call them a maque, or a monkey. You were raised in that environment. Why do you arrogantly think we don't or can't understand that? In so doing, you belittle our intelligence and deny us our integrity, and that reveals a disturbing lack of compassion and wisdom. You disqualify yourself.

The point is, this unpleasant life-experience of yours is meant to humble you and perhaps encourage you to introspect, to look at yourself, and an opportunity for you to reform yourself. You work for us, and therefore we watch your behavior very closely.

If you can't stand the demons you see in the mirror, get the hell out of public life. Masks and games don't work, any more. Overcome the overcompensating, cowardly and violent bully that drives you, and become a human being again. But it may already be too late...

Wiley

Wiley, if you are one of the minority who may have somehow been offended by the misinterpretation of my remarks--then I have already apologized to you. And I meant it: I am truly sorry that you misinterpreted my remarks the way you did.

But, no, I don't see demons when I look in the mirror. I don't see a coward or a bully. All I see is a good ol' Virginian fighting for what's right. And, once the voters have spoken in November, I will keep fighting for you in the Senate.

Your Cowboy in the Capitol,

Fightin' Felix

PS. If you repeat that stuff about my mother to my face and I will knock your soft teeth down your whiny throat. That's a promise. There aren't a lot of politicians who would put it to you like that, but I'm a straight talkkker. Felix out.

Promising Poll Numbers

My fellow Virginians, check out these poll numbers:


That pie chart says that only 56% of you are aware of comments I made to my opponent's Indian volunteer.


And this one says that only 2/3 of those familiar with my comments consider them inappropriate. And what's two-thirds of 56%?

Thirty-seven point five percent. My friends, that's a minority opinion. It's a "them" opinion. I encourage the remaining 62.5% of you to put this little blip behind you and return a proud American with real American values to the U.S. Senate.

Yours in confederacy,

George Felix Allen

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Let the healing begin.

You say Macaque, I say Macaca,
You say Mullet-a, I say Mohawk-a,
Macaca, Macaque... Mullet-a, Mohawk-a,
Let's call the whole thing off.

My fellow Virginians, I know I've stepped in some deep macaca, if you will. But I don't want it to appear that I take this controversy lightly--I want it to appear that I'm deeply, deeply concerned.

I hope that you will accept one of several explanations we've provided for my previous statements, and choose to move on. That's why I'm starting this blog: To help us heal. I want you all to get to know the real me.

Who is the real me? First, let's be clear about who I'm not. I'm not one of "them": i.e., I'm not a friend to Hollywood movie moguls. I'm not an inside-the-beltway Virginian. I'm not a member of the elite. (Pretty much any "them" you can think of, I am not one of them.)

In fact, I'm just like you. I care about real Virginians and real Americans (and yes, that includes the blacks, hindus, and hispanos.) As November approaches, I want every Virginian to feel like we're together in this struggle to mold America into what we know it should be. My goals are your goals. My concerns are your concerns. That's why we must band together in mutual support and common action--a confederacy, if you will--so that come November, you can return a real Virginian back to the Senate.

Your son of the south,

George Felix Allen

ps. McCain told a monkey joke out on the trail! I noticed that some folks winced, but I thought it was funny. (Why? Because I'm moving on, that's why.)